What WOULD Joni Do?

Random thoughts and other ramblings

Friday, February 23, 2007

Kitty Cat and the Jackass: How I spent my Friday

I spent most of Friday at the hospital getting a bunch of tests run. I've spent the last two months with unexplained nausea, vomiting and abdominal pains. My doctor gave me some medication, but it hasn't really helped me to improve very much. Then, to make matters worse, in the last week, I began developing all the symptoms associated with kidney stones. Wheeeee!

None of it was fun, but the CT scan was the worst. Especially since I am somewhat claustrophobic and super squeamish about having an IV anyway.

Before they do the scan, you have to spend about 2 1/2 hours drinking cups of what looks like apple juice but tastes like ass. Every 45 minutes they bring it around and you have to down the whole cup. At least I was able to keep it down. The other lady in the waiting area with me kept getting sick off of it, and so she was ultimately having to drink more.

They finally came around to take me back at about 2:00 p.m. Because I had been sick the evening before and skipped dinner, I hadn't had a thing to eat over 24 hours. That, combined with the bright fluorescent lights, and probably some anxiety on my part, contributed to the mother of all dizzy spells, and as I stood up to go back to the scan room, I pretty much blacked out and hit the floor. Thankfully, the hot technician reacted pretty quickly and saved me from busting my face on the floor.

Hot Technician finally gets me to the scan room in one piece. I then get the pleasure of having an IV. I have fat arms, pale skin and very thin veins located deep in my arms, so they never seem to be able to find a good vein on the first try. The most it has ever taken is four sticks. Fortunately, they called in the lady that is the best in the building, and she got me on the first stick. Nevertheless, I still have a bruise the size of an orange on my right arm. Still, I know it could have been worse.

When they do the scan, you have to be positioned flat on your back with your arms raised straight out above your head. For some reason, when I get in that position, I have trouble breathing - its like my throat closes up and I start to choke. Then to make it worse, they strap you down across your midsection so you can't move, and then they all leave the room. Then it seems like an eternity until the machine starts chugging and the scan begins. So, there I am - tied to a table, choking, and feeling like I can't breath at all. I sort of lost it slightly, and so they decided to have me sit up until they were ready to start the scan.

Once they get started, I try to convince myself I'll be OK. As I'm being moved in and out of the tube having the initial scan done, I'm trying to keep my eyes closed, think happy thoughts, visualize positive things and assure myself it will be over in a few minutes. Then, after a few scans, another technician who apparently is unaware of my previous semi-freak out, comes in to inject the contrast dye into the IV. I ask her how much longer before it was all over, and she coldly says, "You still have a long, long way to go." As I later figure out, her idea of a long, long way to go is actually only 5 more minutes, so thanks for needlessly adding to the impending freak out sweetie.

So, the contrast is injected into the IV, and it was really weird how I could actually feel it as it went through my body - how my arm got really cold where it went in, and the cold crept up my arm towards my neck, then down into my chest and heart. And then, when it hit my heart, I suddenly got really really hot, and felt like I was wetting myself. I wasn't, it is just a side effect that they warn you about. But it still feels weird. Now, add to all this that my arm suddenly starts cramping up, my throat closes to the point where I can no longer swallow, and its like I forget how to breath through my nose. At this point, my anxiety level reaches maximum levels. We're talking full blown anxiety attack, heart racing, crying, etc. I felt like such an idiot, but I just couldn't help it. Hot Technician was really kind to me and talked me through the next few minutes as best he could. He had a great soothing voice. He probably has a future career as a phone sex operator.

When I'm finally stable enough to leave, HT walks me out past this old woman waiting to be taken in for her scan. She starts yelling at him that she didn't know why they were bringing me out to see her, that she had never seen me before in her life and she didn't want to see me now. He said, "Ma'am, she is just another patient, she's not with you," and the woman goes, "Damn right she isn't, you jackass." Then she told me that I looked like a kitty cat. And after my stupid freak out episode over something so simple, I did feel like a bit of a pussy, so I guess she was on the money with that one.

As HT and I parted ways, he said with a wickedly cute smile, "Bye kitty cat, take care of yourself. "

I bid him a "You too, jackass."

It was a cute moment.

Yeah, he's probably gay.


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